The Balance of Motherhood

As it’s Mother’s Day weekend I thought I’d write a post about balance. I was scrolling through Instagram last week and saw a post from a working mom asking for comments and feedback about this topic. My thoughts about finding balance have been swirling in my head ever since. This is a question thrown at mother’s all the time whether you stay-at-home or work full time, I promise you, at some point you’ll be asked, “How do you balance it all?”, “How do you find work/life balance?”, “How do you do it all with three kids?” yada yada yada…there are more variations on this question than I can count. So here it goes…brace yourself, I’m adding my TAKE on this widely discussed topic too.

In reality, this topic infuriates me. The word balance infuriates me. The fact that society pressures anyone to achieve this, infuriates me. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t exist - it’s an illusion, it’s a myth. By definition balance is an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. There is nothing evenly distributed about motherhood, EVER - it’s an all in kind of thing. A wonderful yet all consuming for the rest of your life kind of thing and when paired with other facets of life like work, relationships, self care, volunteering and spirituality it is wholly unattainable.

Certainly a person can live an entirely fulfilling life being a mother but please don’t expect to find balance. Rather be prepared for it to be a juggling act where your time and focus will need to ebb and flow. One week you may feel like you’ve got it all together the kids are happy and healthy, you’ve spent quality time with your partner, had time for yourself and wrapped up a project at work but who knows what the next week will bring. Without fail, it will be something different and there will be challenges and sleepless nights, possibly guilt and you may even feel like an imposter. The thing is this is normal and don’t let other people lead you to believe that they haven’t experienced this because we all experience some variation of this. Our are lives are meant to change it’s natural and sometimes it’s really really hard but don’t let outside pressures stop you from creating your version of happiness. We should band together rather than let society pressure us into an unrealistic ideal.

As a mother of three, I’m often asked how I keep it together. And the thing is, I don’t always have it together but whatever I do, I just do it. There isn’t another option. Of course, I have a wonderful partner who is hands on when he is around and a nanny who helps set schedules for our kids and does dishes and puts laundry away etc… But the majority of the time it is just me with the kids and it isn’t always pretty. I’m always running late, dishes are almost always left in the sink, beds are never made, I rarely have phone conversations, I have 100+ emails I haven’t read through at work and on countless occassions I’ve taken my kids to school in the same clothes that I’ve slept in the night before.

But what I’ve come to realize is that I don’t think my kids will remember any of this and I’m not sure I will either and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that when I’m with them or when I am at work I try to stay present and if that means I need to have a flexible work schedule in order to be present at a school play and instead work when the kids are sleeping then I’m going to find the way to have the conversation and make that happen. Life isn’t about struggling to achieve a balance that doesn’t exist, rather it’s about creating memories and carving out that time with your loved ones to share those experiences. It’s going to be messy sometimes but altogether worth it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for reading my rant. I’m certainly not an expert but I’ve been doing this for a while so I have some experience and it truly, wasn’t until I had my third child that everything kind of clicked. My reality changed drastically and I became better at prioritization and constant re-prioritization, saying no to meaningless things, setting boundaries, finding time for myself and identifying the impact I can have at work and at home within a finite amount of time. Letting go of the stigma of balance was hard but it’s so freeing and once I came to the realization that I had the power to design a life full of family, work, friends, volunteering, hobbies etc… that I wanted, I felt empowered. The bottom line is don’t set unrealistic expectations upon yourself. I do still think we can have it all but maybe, just not all at the same time. When I look back on my life I don’t think I will be thinking about a week where I felt like I was a failure but rather my entire life and how when everything is pieced together I will feel whole. It may not be a life of balance but something fluid and without guilt and on this day I wish that for you. Happy Mother’s Day!